"Let my people go!"

So reading about the plague's in Egypt and Moses keeps saying "Let my people go!" and God keeps hardening Pharaoh's heart. And Moses keeps saying something like "So that you will know the Lord is God."

Kept thinking as I read it that for years God was sometimes yelling, sometimes whispering to me "Let the shame, guilt, fear of your sin go!" and I kept hardening my heart. I might have softened it a bit and let some of it go only to turn around and cling to it tighter. I knew Christ as my Savior but he wasn't Lord of my life, the shame, guilt and fear had that position filled. And I knew Christ forgave me of my sins, well all except that one and this one. See even typing this now in the freedom of Christ's forgiveness I don't want to say out loud what those sins were.

(Insert deep breathe... pause in the typing)

I held on to for years shame and guilt related to adultery. Let's just call it what it is. No beating around the bush, no justifying it, sin is sin. The facts (no justification because I am responsible for my own actions): at age 13 I was sexually abused and eventually raped by a classmate. I knew the Bible said that intimacy was between one man and one woman and I'd lost the opportunity to share that so I with shame and guilt gave myself away outside of marriage. I wasn't promiscuous or easy per say, but if I dated a boy for any length of time I committed adultery. I even at one point, blah blah blah, moved in with one of them.

So for years, and years, did I say years? I mean YEARS satan held the shame and guilt and fear of those decisions over my head. God was calling "Let your sin go!" and I was hardening my heart.

So fast forward to age 33 and a little rental house dining room. I found my self in a marriage with confirmed adultery committed by my spouse and realized the sin I so tightly held on to was now "the speck in my brother's eye" and the rest of that verse is something about "the huge log in my own eye" (That's for you Grandma Clements... used to mess that up and she'd correct me... I miss you :).

So thankfully, by God's grace He was still pursuing me and I heard Him FINALLY. I feel on my knees (literally on my knees sobbing) and confessed with repentance and sincerity the sinful nature of my old self and prayed that God would be Lord of my life. He gave me that day freedom from that shame, oh satan tries to work his way back in with it sometimes but I can tell you there is true freedom in forgiveness. I am sinner and I am saved.

So I'm not sure if this makes any sense to anyone but me. I blog by the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I just sit down and type. I don't even re-read it, just check the little red squiggle lines for spelling errors :)

If you are holding on to something God is hopefully still pursuing you and you here Him say (or maybe He is yelling) "Let your sin go!" I dare you to let it go. I double dog dare you.

What if it changed your life?

And the answer from me is always, HE has changed mine!